The Economic Butt

dear michelle...

2009-04-02T04:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Michelle Buttmann (Bachmann),

Just a few lines of advice for you.

1. The economic butt would like to invite you to have sex with yourself (or Rush Limbaugh) your choice.
2. The economic butt highly doubts that you are really from Minnesota just like Norm Coleman isn't,but likes to act like he is.
3. Revolution is the last thing needed during times like this, if you were truly interested in
helping this country out of this mess (that your Grand Old Pig party) got us into? You'd be calling for us all to come together.
4. Cutris says you are a great big puss.
5. Start helping or shut your Yapper.
and lastly...
Please move to Kentucky or Alabama or wherever it is you came from because you are an embarrasment to all Minnesotans.

Sincerely,
The Economic Butt

How not to say the presiden't name

2009-02-14T03:51:00.000-08:00

Whats up with people not saying the president's name right?

I am hearing alot of lazy media types saying "Presdent Brockabama" It's not Brock, OK?, Brock is the name of a steroid pumped wrestler, or some 70's TV detective that died from aids in the 80's.

But worse of all? The Brits. Bear-ack? Did you just say Bear and then Ack?
What if I called your queen Lizbet? Huh? You'd have a bloody fit.

No more Bear Acks...or is it Axe?

Bear-Ack Ohbama and Queen Liz-Bet will be appearing live tonight at the Royal Al-Butt Hall...

2006-04-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

Interstellar Traveler, Zimbobian Translation Guide
April 28, 2006 (17›>13".= Zimbob local time)
Blue Planet, Informational Only
Interstellar Traveler, Authored by Moopak

Zimbobian Translation Guide:

Tarpot – equivalent to approximately one earth hour
Zimbob- the galaxy where Moopak originates from, sort of
Inbloop- the general term for flower
Hop-Hop- a Zimbobian creature similar to an earth creature known as a "bumble bee"
Brightball- the star that is very near the Blue Planet (with white swirlies)
Dimball- a small moon orbiting the earth
Blackvoid- outer space
Farimba- a radio wave transceiver capable of 3 way communication and other stuff too
Thermolulator- a device used to transform Moopak into other objects
Fribyon- posterior area, in other words, ass, buttocks, buns, etc.
Voltar- an electrical pulse
Voltar Highways- power lines
Stampars- poles that hold up the power lines above the surface
Amplars- batteries
Awooh- pain
Kowplots- not really sure what the hell it is, but it sounded cool
Shpoklab- digital camera
RPM- a digital picture
Mukmak- a common intergalactical space language used for communications between disimilar species of space travelers
Fagbank- Green Bay, Wisconsin
Calforn- by far the wierdest planet in the Zimbobian System, perhaps in the entire Blackvoid…
Exoplasmic Inhibitor- an electronic energy shield
Arfblat- a scientific creature that invented the Exoplasmic Inhibitor, also a good friend of Moopak, he's sorta like Moopak's controller/advisor, simply put, he's got Moopak's back.
Floog Depot A-10- a scientific station where Arfblat works and a place where Moopak has spent many tarpots
Alpha-Blataz- where Farve was born, the most distant outpost in the Zimbobian System.
Hawchoo- the equivalent of a sneeze
C4 Circuits- the main control circuits, governing thought and motor activity
C5 Circuit- general reproductive circuitry
C7 Circuits- the circuits in the butt region (aft)
C8 Circuits- aint been invented yet, but Arfblat is working on it, will probably be installed remotely once approved for beta testing
Aidband- bandaid duh
New Jersey- a place on earth, kind of dumpy
Gravita- misspelled gravity
Blipblap- equivalent to "over and out" or "signing off"
Tailwagger- a dog
Flim- about 3 inches

2006-04-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

Interstellar Traveler, Moopak Enters The Grid

April 25, 2006 (13›>13".8 Zimbob local time)
Blue Planet (with white swirly condensation instances)
Interstellar Traveler, Moopak Reporting

There are always some risks involved when entering an unknown grid for the first time. One of the most common accidents is where one enters the grid with an amplar not fully charged. Combine this with the fact that I have not entered a grid in a million tarpots so I am way out of practice. Of course I had an accident…

Don’t get me wrong, it’s always fun when entering a grid. I don’t know which I like better, the getting sucked in part or the getting ejected out part. One things for sure, it doesn’t last long enough!

I entered the grid at this point.

I know, a pretty typical looking station when looking at it. The nearer I got, I could feel the rush of the voltars moving damn near at the speed of light. I engaged the Thermolulator and I was sucked into the grid with a sudden whoosh. Kids, do not try this at home!

Well if you remember I had drained one of my amplars while trying to talk to Trudy. So I entered the grid in a compromised state. Naturally, an accident occurred. Instantly my C4’s and C7 got seperated, occasionally this happens when the C5 interferes with the truncated aft stabilizers. My C4’s ended up in a place called Washington DC and I had no clue where my C5 and Fribyon ended up being ejected. I managed to make contact with Arfblat on my Farimba after the incident (my amplars were succesfully recharged in the grid). After retoning his toner, he managed to locate my Fribyon and more importantly, my C5. Turns out my Fribyon and my C5 ended up someplace called San Franscisco.

Arfblat still hasn’t pinpointed the exact location but he is working on finding my ass. I have decided to wire Trudy some Inbloops as I already miss her. Man I feel good, but I won’t be able to do much until my circuits are all in one location!

My initial impression is that I have much work to do in this place called Washington.

Blipblap,

Moopak

2006-04-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Interstellar Traveler, Moopak Gets Pissed
April 23, 2006 (11›>13".2.89(0) Zimbob local time)
Blue Planet (with white swirly condensation instances)
Interstellar Traveler, Moopak Reporting

Well I didn’t get much shut eye since my last report. After a while, an object appeared above, it was a Dimball. It was very still and I had just powered down my C4’s and suddenly I kicked out of power-save mode. At first I didn’t know what to think. I almost fried my C7 circuitry from the shock. I was visited by a quad-pedal creature similar to a Tailwagger. The creature stopped about a Flim from me and situated itself into a tri-pedal. It then proceeded to spray me with a foul liquid which I found very distressing. It then transformed itself back into a quad-pedal and motored away very clumsily. I am still analyzing this event…

Once the Dimball completed it’s low arc and settled down behind the horizon, the Brightball came back, slowly at first. Now it is shining brilliantly. I was soon visited by a Hop-Hop. I found this very stimulating at first, I tried to make contact with it using my Farimba. Well to make a long story short, I ended up using way too many voltars and drained one of my amplars in the process. I ended up spending the better part of a tarpot trying to convince the Hop-Hop to stop trying to fly up my Fribyon!

I did learn that the Hop-Hop’s identity is Bee# 34,593,201, female worker unit, from the Lombardi Street Hive (located under a grass pile in some guy’s yard near Lambo Field). I just call her Trudy. I think she likes me. I shall miss her soft buzzing around my C5, but I have a lot of work to do.

Though I still smell bad, I did manage to complete my raincheck. If all goes well, I will soon engage the Thermolulator and attempt to insert myself into the grid.

Blipblap,

Moopak

2006-04-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

Interstellar Traveler, Hard Landing For Moopak

April 23, 2006 (11›>13".2.86¾ Zimbob local time)
Blue Planet (with white swirly condensation instances)
Interstellar Traveler, Moopak Reporting

The Blackvoid has now shrouded itself over the Blue Planet. It reminds me of how the Kowplots used to cloak the Chocolate Mountains on the planet Calforn, where I existed briefly in my youth. Pardon my reminisc…

Before the Brightball went away, I managed to recalibrate my Shpoklab and created an RPM (refracted pixelation module) of my position and appearance. I am disguised as the orange colored Inbloop, you can clearly see the Hop-Hop on top of my head.

RPM Copyright 11›>13". - Moopak, Inc.

I have learned that the place I have landed is called Green Bay. Translated into Mukmak, Green Bay is pronounced "Fagbank" (or Farve in Swahili), meaning "Land Of Cheese and Intergalactic Flatulence". I learned of the name of this place from a being named KFAG, 1040 A.M. Green Bay. I picked up the beings broadcast on my Farimba. It has not responded to any of my hailing messages as of yet. I continue to bounce my signals off the white swirly instances and remain hopeful of reply.

It also has become apparent in the past few Tarpots that I must have landed pretty hard. The gaseous movement having ceased after the Brightball went away, I now can feel the C7 circuitry in my Fribyon pulsating, this is causing me considerable Owooh. Microeclectic re-calibration went Ok, but I might need to move soon as I’m sure you are all very aware from experience, this will not suffice as it is merely a short-term Aidband.

In the interim, I have detected traces of Voltars traveling in long black snake-like strings that are hung on Stampars everywhere around my vicinity. I believe these to be Voltar highways and if so, I will be able to travel the Blue Planet with impunity while simultaneously recharging my Amplars. This would be both convinient and economic if my theory holds true.

I may initiate insertion into the grid in a while, but I need to complete a rain check prior to attempting this. I have not prepared myself for this yet as I have been staring upwards for half a tarpot. I cannot quite visibly locate Zimbob and I find that I cannot stop myself from trying. I think I will power down my C4 circuitry for a few tarpots of rest before I begin my raincheck.

As I conclude this report, I find myself missing the Hop-Hops, they have now gone away with the Brightball.I became quite fond of them earlier and hope they return soon. Perhaps when the Brightball returns?

Blipblap,

Moopak

2006-04-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

Interstellar Traveler, Moopak’s Initial Report

April 22, 2006 (10›>13".2.86¼ Zimbob local time) Post-exoplasmic Insertion, Blue Planet (with white swirly condensation instances) Interstellar Traveler, Moopak Reporting

I have arrived and inserted myself within a green region on the Blue Planet (with white swirly, etc). My journey has lasted many tarpots and it is now good to be stationary. It took me a while to get my planet legs again, but I am now somewhat moderately stable if the gaseous movement does not increase it’s velocity. Very slow moving, shiny flying devices fired their deathrays at me on my descent, I am pleased to report that the new Exoplasmic Inhibitors worked very well affording me complete protection from the futile hostility. I shall file an official performance report with Arfblat at Floog Depot A-10 once I can safely make contact on my Farimba.

I have engaged my Thermolulator and have formed my being into the shape of a multi-colored Inbloop. Since remaining stationary until my planet legs regain stability, I have been vistied by several buzzy striped flying Hop-Hops. They do no harm to me, but they leave a sticky yellow colored powder on my exterior. This does not seem to be harmful as far as I can tell, but tends to make me Hawchoo.

In this form I wait. As I speak this, I have been observing liquid drops falling from above. I have determined that these fall from the white swirlies above as the gravita must pull them down somehow. These objects dance when striking hard surfaces and they dissipate if landing upon the softer green bladed standing beings or the brownish ground matter. I have tried speaking to these phenomena, but they do not respond. They have all now gone to where they go. I shall stand watch for their return and continue my observations.

There is no sign yet of Unglip. My kind have informed me that Unglip has been reporting from a similar planet. Unglip is of my kind, but we are not related as I was assembled on Tarmac-8 in the Zimbob System, near outpost Alpha-Blataz. I believe Unglip was made in New Jersey, but I am not sure.

Of course it is entirely possible that he is standing right next to me as another Inbloop or he could be somewhere half way across the Blackvoid. If I see him, we shall have much to share, if not, I assume I will have more to report when the Brightball reappears.

Happy Action Fun Pants

2006-03-18T04:54:00.000-08:00

Its just super fun to say that. Has no relevance to this post. It seems that alot of people with numbers behind their generic names like my blog. But ya see I know these aren't people. They are machines, simple binary code bouncing around from blog to blog messing up peoples lives. What the hell was I going to say? I ferget...

Nano-superbutthole Corporation Inc™

2005-12-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

Nano Superlattice Technology Inc. (OTCBB Symbol: NSLT) is a nanotechnology company engaged in the coating of tools and components with nano structured PVD coatings for high-tech industries.

Superlattice? I wish ya'd shut up and coat my tool...

Just when you start thinkin'

2005-12-06T10:55:00.000-08:00

...that your great, and the world loves you and just could never continue turning without you,
you suddenly find just how cruel and cold the world really is, again. This keeps occuring over and over.
Well why can't you be great even if the world is so cold? People are so wrapped up in their lives nowadays, they seem released from any type of loyalty. They don't seem to feel that they have any responsibility towards fellow humans nor are they responsible in any way shape or form for the well being of others. Giving to the food shelf on occasion and sending money to Katrina seems to suffice for them.
We're not all created the same. Me? I cannot be the robot that most others are. These robots seem to expect others to be robots and treat them as such. It's disheartening because I don't see this changing and I don't see me changing into this. I am very convinced its the only way to be if I am going to be succesful anytime in the near future.
The very fact that I am using this machine to type these words pretty much makes me a default robot.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I have the wrong outlook. Maybe I am not perceiving things correctly. But how does one change when stuck on a rollercoaster that never stops?
I gotta find out. Gotta reinvent myself again. Gotta keep my head up as I am being bent over again and again. Well boo hoo for me huh?
Yeah I am down but I'll get back up again, why? It just escapes me. Seems the right thing to do.

One things for sure...and I gotta say this...I am tired of your shit corporate America.

Tits

2005-11-03T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'd like to see more tits, yes I would, I'd drool all over em', iffin I could!

See I told ya I am really bad at keepin up with my blog, go back to sleep, It was all somehow

Justa Bad Dream!

The Big Messy

2005-09-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

First of all, lemme say this...

It pains my heart to see the aftermath of Katrina.

That being said, some observations of the decline of humanity:

1. To every stupid fucking news reporter out there...DO NOT FUCKING ARGUE WITH THE GOVERNOR OF A STATE THAT HAS BEEN ANHIALATED!

I had to witness Haley Barbour being raked over the coals by the dumbest fucking CNN reporter about the feds not being ready and whether Katrina was a Cat 1 or a Cat 4 when she came ashore. CNN? Who the fuck do you think you are? The Governor is tired and is on the verge of mental collapse and you wanna argue Categories? I have your answer CNN. Katrina was a Cat-6 and it should have washed your network off the air. I have a Cat-7 named Bubba you can suck too...

2. Americans do so love their guns huh? God love em...

3. Do not rebuild the Big Messy. You upset by this statement? You live 6 feet below sea level! Surely in the past 48 hours you've learned some sort of lesson about water and gravity and your tenuous geographical position on earth. Time to move to a safer area maybe.

4. Maybe casinos shouldn't be required to be on the water from here on out?

5. And lastly...you aren't seeing much military response in this wasteland because our resources are all dying in Iraq, remember that. The national guard is supposed to guard the what? The nation. They can't when they are dying in a land that hates us. The blame in this lies with one man. Dubya.

By the way it took me 2 months to remember my password to this thing.

The Tax Lady

2005-07-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

I let the tax lady in this morning. The house was trashed! I was standing in the kitchen in my pajamas making coffee and I asked her to come back in an hour so's I could straighten things up but she wasn't having any of it...so's she went thru the messy house while I'm grinding my coffee beans. Before she went in the basement, she asked if there were any pets down there. I said nope. Had I had any coffee in me I would have warned her about the cougar. Good thing he was asleep under a pile of dirty laundry, if he had woke up she'd a shit a pile of flourescent nacho doritos.

I think she thought that if she gave me an hour I would have hid all the remodeling I have done since 1992? What a job...wandering thru people's filthy houses raising their taxes?

Blame, Obscurity and The Having Of Cows

2005-07-03T04:28:00.000-07:00

It's 6am...It's 6 am... wait a second It's 6:01 and we're having morning Tornados.
All the weather bimbos are asleep and the cougar is out in the woods smelling like
a wet cougar. Of course Dad and I were supposed to take the boat out fishing this morning
for the first time in 5 years, and it rains. Life is really dumb at times. Financially plan my future?
Hahahahahahahahaha it would rain every day!

I was going to write about who was to blame for my lack of fame but in the end, as
it was pointed out to me, we're all better off in obscurity. So obscurity is probably the
biggest reason for my not being famous, but believe me, each and every one of you
gets a share of the blame. This being said...and I'm not unreasonable...you owe me
nothing.

Well I feel better now, which leads me to the "Having Of Cows" or "A Cow". Sometimes I
have a cow over things, like, dumbasses who sit in the left lane and do not signal a left turn until they get right up to the intersection. This usually makes me flip out. That's why they do it too, either that or they are just plain stupid. But I'm not gonna have a cow right now, I am just gonna have coffee and contemplate all the other stuff.

I wonder if the cougar likes fireworks?

Fame

2005-07-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

Today I'd like to address something that has always seemed to escape me...FAME

Since I don't have one of those fancy, irritating music playing things on here, I ask that you go ahead (and maybe you already have) and start playing David Bowie's 'Fame' in your mind's jukebox. If you don't have one of these, stop reading this now and go put yourself on report!
Okay are ya grooving? I am.
Everytime I think I am about to become famous, or feel that I am nearing fame, I find that I am nowhere even close to becoming famous. This has been the story of my life. I am afraid as I approach my Golden Years (huh huh get it? change the song in ya head), that I will not even recognize that I am famous when it finally happens...
Of course I am afraid of alot of things, like, cougars and tornados, but I already covered these in previous posts.
So you may be asking yourself why I am not yet famous? I will address this in my next post which will be entitled "BLAME". For now, I am off to poke the governor with a big stick...

Didinya just love the cougar chow ad?

Interview of the mountain lion that survived last nights tornado

2005-06-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

end of Direc TV commercial for chicks gone wild III...

press channel 5 on remote control...Dave Doll, Titanium-alloy weather dork with his 5 billion dollar doppler tornado sniffing radar introduces Jannie Peterson, weather-bimbo who survived last night's tornado by diving into a nearby White Castle and hiding under the onion-bun steamer...cut to Jannie in the woods near Lake Elmo...

Jannie: I am here in Lake Elmo and I am soaking wet and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night either...we are going to chat with a cougar who survived last nights tornado. Mister Cougar, what exactly happened last night?

Cougar: (stops licking his balls and stands up quickly in front of the camera) There was a storm I guess...

Jannie: Did you see any damage? Was there a tornado?

Cougar: My name is John Mellankamp and yes I did see damage.

Jannie: was anyone hurt?

John Cougar Mellenkamp: My best freind Josh, he's a squirrel, he fell out of a tree and died.

Jannie: that's horrible, we are very sorry for your loss, would you show us his corpse?

John Cougar Mellenkamp: Can't, I ate him.

Jannie: That's gross!

John Cougar Mellenkamp: Hey, tornado or no tornado? a cougar gotta eat lady!

...Jannie runs away as the Forrest Lake SWAT team opens fire on the cougar, the cougar dies enroute to Regions Hospital. DNR spokesman reported the cougar was killed because he was a threat to squirrels and Large SUV's on highway 8...

Followup report by Jannie:

Jannie: Yes Dave the cougar known as John was indeed shot by law enforcement and it seems ironic that he survived last night's storm only to eat his best freind and then die in a bloody human ambush. This tragedy is further saddening due to the fact that this cougar was Tropical Mist scented... I, I, I love that scent...
I'm Jannie Peterson, weather bimbo reporting from Lake Elmo.

...start rerun of American Idol episode where Elvis Presley magically reappears and kicks Simon's ass in front of 20 million stupid Americans...

more lies about severe weather

2005-06-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last night there was tornados, or is it tornadoEs? They never did decide if Dan Quayle spelt potatoes correctly...I think he just changed it over to french fries. I dunno where you come from but lately whenever there are tornados coming they wait until the tornado is right on top of you to tell you about it. Then the sirens go off after the tornado is past you. Most of the time the sirens don't go off anymore. You're never gonna hear em anyways cuz the tornado has already killed your stupid arse. I think that maybe the reason for this is that they don't want to wake up sleeping lawyers, or even worse, Godzilla. So I expect that I will either have to go in the basement everytime I think there is a tornado, or just die in it due to their laziness. I bet they'd like the second option. Then the lawyers who were asleep during the tornado, at least one of em who survived, can file a lawsuit on behalf of my dead arse.

Another thing about severe weather. Is it rude to order a pizza during a tornado? I mean it definately would be if the sirens were going off, but what if it's just one of those doppler indicated rotation things that seem to pass as a tornado in these parts nowadays?

Well, I was gonna order a pizza last night, but I decided to wait until the sirens went off then it would be meat lovers running the gauntlet between Dominos and my house! Dominoes?
A final thought on severe weather...as soon as the tornado is even mentioned, pretty, young, media career driven women are sent out to find the tornado by what seems to be supposedly wise old white weathermen. These Tornado whores are seen standing out in 2 inch hailstones reporting that they haven't seen the tornado yet but she's got a satellite truck and will keep watch until the bastard is sighted. Her hair looks like shit by this time. One day we're all gonna see her get hit by lightning live on TV and then the lawyers will all wake up and there will be much debate on the safety of sending these bimbos out into tornadoes...bimboes?

This rant brought to you by Dr. Binka's Lunatic Asylum and Riverboat Tours of Minneapolis, France...

I lied

2005-06-29T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay so I lied, it's not like no one else in this deteriorating sewer of a country doesn't.
I promise that there will be more lies coming, but that's a whole different episode.
I axed El Presidente what he thought of the rectum as a whole. I have to let him think he really is the president or he'll come over and start crying and the last time that happened he used up all my kleenex and never bought me any. He said that he'd have the Secret Service drop some off but I never saw any of em. I e-mailed him about this but all he said was that we should save the trees cuz he is, or wishes to be known, as the Environmental President. I dunno about the Environ part but I can testify as to the Mental part. If you take out the VI you get Enron, anyone notice that?
Anyways, I have been thinking about why all products are now fresh-scented or lemony raspberry style. Duckies and Bunnies don't get lemony scented anything. What does the cougar standing in the woods during a springtime thunderstorm smell like? Thats right, he smells like Wet Cougar. He isn't fresh springtime cougar scented is he? He's just wet nappy cougar scented. Maybe if lightning flies up his ass he smells lemony? Hopefully the cops won't smell him cuz they'll track him down, accuse him of attacking Mrs Olsen's Folgers Crystals or he ate someone's petunias and this means he must be killed by cops who like to kill animals. This happens all the time round here...maybe they wouldn't wanna kill shit so much if they was New Fresh Autumn Breeze Scented cops? I dunno anymore, I just like the original stuff.
So President Cutris, you owe me Kleenex, white ones, not that moisturizing cream soaked kind either. Just plain. And none of that damned Impending Summertime Tornado scented crap ...Have the Secret Service just set it in my garage and let me know if you need help tar papering your shack roof, we can tack it on with summer rain flavored cougar droppings...

These lies have been brought to you by Choklit Mountain Trading Post and Auto Spa Of Tokyo, Montana, USA.

My Blog Beat Up Your Blog

2005-06-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

And now it's sitting in the ER bleeding all over the freshly shampooed carpet. Yes I said pooed.
Poo'ed? Must be french for "I like it when you wear your flannel jammies and talk dirty to me on the internet".
Leave it to a frenchman en it might not git done. This about my twelfth Blog and I swore I'd give it up and never make another one yet here I am back in Blogville with $2.00 in loose change in my holy pockets wearing nuthin but a tore up old camel muscle shirt.
I used to have muscles but I got old and they moved on somewhere's else. I have to go axe president cutris a question now. I probably won't be back so I hope you find my initial and final post to be fullfilling and entertaining and I hope it changes your life in ways that are beneficial to mankind and farm animals alike.

Sincerely,
Chump