Sponsored by Purina Cougar Chow

Interview of the mountain lion that survived last nights tornado

end of Direc TV commercial for chicks gone wild III...

press channel 5 on remote control...Dave Doll, Titanium-alloy weather dork with his 5 billion dollar doppler tornado sniffing radar introduces Jannie Peterson, weather-bimbo who survived last night's tornado by diving into a nearby White Castle and hiding under the onion-bun steamer...cut to Jannie in the woods near Lake Elmo...

Jannie: I am here in Lake Elmo and I am soaking wet and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night either...we are going to chat with a cougar who survived last nights tornado. Mister Cougar, what exactly happened last night?

Cougar: (stops licking his balls and stands up quickly in front of the camera) There was a storm I guess...

Jannie: Did you see any damage? Was there a tornado?

Cougar: My name is John Mellankamp and yes I did see damage.

Jannie: was anyone hurt?

John Cougar Mellenkamp: My best freind Josh, he's a squirrel, he fell out of a tree and died.

Jannie: that's horrible, we are very sorry for your loss, would you show us his corpse?

John Cougar Mellenkamp: Can't, I ate him.

Jannie: That's gross!

John Cougar Mellenkamp: Hey, tornado or no tornado? a cougar gotta eat lady!

...Jannie runs away as the Forrest Lake SWAT team opens fire on the cougar, the cougar dies enroute to Regions Hospital. DNR spokesman reported the cougar was killed because he was a threat to squirrels and Large SUV's on highway 8...

Followup report by Jannie:

Jannie: Yes Dave the cougar known as John was indeed shot by law enforcement and it seems ironic that he survived last night's storm only to eat his best freind and then die in a bloody human ambush. This tragedy is further saddening due to the fact that this cougar was Tropical Mist scented... I, I, I love that scent...
I'm Jannie Peterson, weather bimbo reporting from Lake Elmo.

...start rerun of American Idol episode where Elvis Presley magically reappears and kicks Simon's ass in front of 20 million stupid Americans...

more lies about severe weather

Last night there was tornados, or is it tornadoEs? They never did decide if Dan Quayle spelt potatoes correctly...I think he just changed it over to french fries. I dunno where you come from but lately whenever there are tornados coming they wait until the tornado is right on top of you to tell you about it. Then the sirens go off after the tornado is past you. Most of the time the sirens don't go off anymore. You're never gonna hear em anyways cuz the tornado has already killed your stupid arse. I think that maybe the reason for this is that they don't want to wake up sleeping lawyers, or even worse, Godzilla. So I expect that I will either have to go in the basement everytime I think there is a tornado, or just die in it due to their laziness. I bet they'd like the second option. Then the lawyers who were asleep during the tornado, at least one of em who survived, can file a lawsuit on behalf of my dead arse.

Another thing about severe weather. Is it rude to order a pizza during a tornado? I mean it definately would be if the sirens were going off, but what if it's just one of those doppler indicated rotation things that seem to pass as a tornado in these parts nowadays?

Well, I was gonna order a pizza last night, but I decided to wait until the sirens went off then it would be meat lovers running the gauntlet between Dominos and my house! Dominoes?
A final thought on severe weather...as soon as the tornado is even mentioned, pretty, young, media career driven women are sent out to find the tornado by what seems to be supposedly wise old white weathermen. These Tornado whores are seen standing out in 2 inch hailstones reporting that they haven't seen the tornado yet but she's got a satellite truck and will keep watch until the bastard is sighted. Her hair looks like shit by this time. One day we're all gonna see her get hit by lightning live on TV and then the lawyers will all wake up and there will be much debate on the safety of sending these bimbos out into tornadoes...bimboes?

This rant brought to you by Dr. Binka's Lunatic Asylum and Riverboat Tours of Minneapolis, France...

I lied

Okay so I lied, it's not like no one else in this deteriorating sewer of a country doesn't.
I promise that there will be more lies coming, but that's a whole different episode.
I axed El Presidente what he thought of the rectum as a whole. I have to let him think he really is the president or he'll come over and start crying and the last time that happened he used up all my kleenex and never bought me any. He said that he'd have the Secret Service drop some off but I never saw any of em. I e-mailed him about this but all he said was that we should save the trees cuz he is, or wishes to be known, as the Environmental President. I dunno about the Environ part but I can testify as to the Mental part. If you take out the VI you get Enron, anyone notice that?
Anyways, I have been thinking about why all products are now fresh-scented or lemony raspberry style. Duckies and Bunnies don't get lemony scented anything. What does the cougar standing in the woods during a springtime thunderstorm smell like? Thats right, he smells like Wet Cougar. He isn't fresh springtime cougar scented is he? He's just wet nappy cougar scented. Maybe if lightning flies up his ass he smells lemony? Hopefully the cops won't smell him cuz they'll track him down, accuse him of attacking Mrs Olsen's Folgers Crystals or he ate someone's petunias and this means he must be killed by cops who like to kill animals. This happens all the time round here...maybe they wouldn't wanna kill shit so much if they was New Fresh Autumn Breeze Scented cops? I dunno anymore, I just like the original stuff.
So President Cutris, you owe me Kleenex, white ones, not that moisturizing cream soaked kind either. Just plain. And none of that damned Impending Summertime Tornado scented crap ...Have the Secret Service just set it in my garage and let me know if you need help tar papering your shack roof, we can tack it on with summer rain flavored cougar droppings...

These lies have been brought to you by Choklit Mountain Trading Post and Auto Spa Of Tokyo, Montana, USA.

My Blog Beat Up Your Blog

And now it's sitting in the ER bleeding all over the freshly shampooed carpet. Yes I said pooed.
Poo'ed? Must be french for "I like it when you wear your flannel jammies and talk dirty to me on the internet".
Leave it to a frenchman en it might not git done. This about my twelfth Blog and I swore I'd give it up and never make another one yet here I am back in Blogville with $2.00 in loose change in my holy pockets wearing nuthin but a tore up old camel muscle shirt.
I used to have muscles but I got old and they moved on somewhere's else. I have to go axe president cutris a question now. I probably won't be back so I hope you find my initial and final post to be fullfilling and entertaining and I hope it changes your life in ways that are beneficial to mankind and farm animals alike.

Sincerely,
Chump